Hi, my name is Rhea and actually, I’m very old.

Today was a beautiful day. Blue sky, too warm for a winter day, it felt like a spring kind-of-day.

I have been feeling rather off the last week or so. First numb, then skiddish, and that turned into unease and restlessness.

Then yesterday, I had enough. I startet cleaning.

I looked my crap straight in the eye and declared: „I’m done!“

Done with the dust, the cobwebs, the dirt, the clutter. This got to go!

Done with the excuses, cover-ups, avoiding, the dulling of my anger and pain.

I knew this would be hard on me. One does not go around ignoring things for that long lightly. I had good reasons, I just could not face all these things sooner.

—

This morning during a walk with my husband we had this short exchange…

Him: „Look at all these people. Out for a walk, bonding with their dogs while looking at their phones.“
Me: „We are good at this. Watching and judging everyone, all bitter and sarcastic.“
Him: „We are not bitter! I am not bitter! Are you?“
Silence…. Change of subject.

Me (thinking): „Yes, I am bitter! Very bitter indeed! And I am done with people.
All these years I tried to do this unsucessfully. Getting along, feeling connected.
I am just not able to. I give up.“

Then, I took a deep breath and sighed with relief. I realized, I did not have to do anything.

Him (all of a sudden): „You got us! (He was including our son here.) What are the chances of that?!“
Me (smiling): „Not very high, thanks.“

I looked around. All of a sudden I felt a bit lighter. Not so bogged down. Not trying so hard. A bit more accepting of who I really am. A bitter old hag that really did not care about anyone but herself.

At that moment I felt my bitterness turn bittersweet.

No, I am not alone. In fact, I haven’t been alone for a very long time. I have had a couple of very close people in most of my life all this time.

And that is my life now… bittersweet.